Serena

Today I feel rather weird and thoughtful. I've been wondering if making a mistake is okay or if I should feel totally guilty about it.

Have you ever misread somebody's action? Have you ever seen the bad in a person who totally had good intentions?

Let's start to where it all began...
A few days ago a person I know texted me. Fine, there's nothing wrong and deceiving with that, you might think. It would be normal if she was a person who normally texts me, just to ask how I am doing. Actually she's not. I feel like we used to be quite close friends one year ago - or maybe it was just me thinking we were - then things changed. We kind of drifted apart but still talk to each other and, because we go to the same school, we see one another all the time. She is that kind of person who would only call me to ask for a favour or ask me to help her with homework and school stuff - which was fine to me a while ago, because I'm nice and try to help as much as I can people who need me.
That is how I am - or I should say how I was some time ago.

Then I got cleaverer, I understood who was my friend because they loved me and who seemed close to me only when they needed help from me. I learnt the hard way to distinguish who is here now and will always be there for me and who is here now only because they think my friendship will in some way be good for them, in terms of favours, school homework etc... .I learnt who, amongst the people I know, is generous and who's fake and selfish.

The person I'm talking about was a friend of mine a while ago, as I said. But "was she actually, or was she just hanging out with me just because she needed me to help her with school?" is what I've been asking myself.
I don't know. When I realized she might have been fake this all time, I tried not to hang out with her that much any more and she has so many other friends apart from me she didn't even notice. A handful of times this year she texted me like so: "Hey, what's up? Did you finish that homework we have due tomorrow? I can't do mine. Thanks". I have always texted back with a picture of the homework already done by me or with an audio message with me explaining her what she hadn't understood. There is not a problem with that because, if you are a friend of mine, I will help you in any way I possibly can and I would like you to do the same with me, when I need it. But again, was she really a friend of mine if she just needed me for school help but wasn't actually that nice towards me? 

Technically she was my friend, because we are in the same friendship group and talk to each other, although she has said a few bad things about me I wish she hadn't. But every time I am with her, just me and her, something feels wrong. I feel she cannot care less about me, I feel she isn't even listening to me when I am talking to her and this then lead to me not feeling at ease when I'm around her. But then, here we go again, when she needs me, here she comes asking me the answer to a test, her being all friendly and nice.

I often feel mocked and stupid for not immediately realizing she's just using me when she does that.


The day before yesterday I got a text from her saying "Hi, you doing well?". I knew what it was for - or at least I thought I knew. I thought she was about to ask me some homework, faking she cares about how I am doing, because a) this is the only reason she texts me b) this is how she texts me when she needs my homework. At first I didn't reply, I didn't want to be fooled any more, I didn't want to get excited about someone genuinely wanting to know how I was, to then understand she needed help. After a few hours I wrote her back. She wrote again, asking how was my summer holiday going. Then she talked me through her holiday. Every time she was writing I was waiting for her to ask the question "Can you explain this math problem?" or something similar.

She never did, surprisingly. Instead she went on to ask me if I wanted to see her, to spend some time with her one of these days to catch up, like we were good, normal friends.

As soon as I understood she was simply asking that, I felt in the wrong, guilty, I made a mistake: someone who had the best intentions was turned into a monster by me...and I'm so sorry now.

Moral of the story: don't ever jump to conclusions too quickly, people are not always as bad and ready to hurt you as you think.

But there's still one thing I feel the urge to add: is it all my fault? Yes, it was me that misread her behaviour, but what made me do it? I'm just used to people in general, and her in particular, texting me just when they need me. I try to hear from everybody, to call my friends to know how they are, I invite them to hang out with me. I try to be nice, which doesn't necessary mean I succeed all the time, but I try and sometimes I feel like people don't really act the same towards me.
Too many times I have thought my "friends" didn't actually love me. Sometimes I feel just used.

Again, it's probably my fault to have misinterpret her action but she'd acted so selfish and said horrible stuff about me I couldn't believe there was any good left in her. She wasn't there for me when I needed, she just thought about herself and started making fun of me having those issues. She told me I could not be friends with some specific people because she didn't like them. I started feeling not at ease around her any more - not only for these reasons, there are other things that happened I don't really feel okay explaining here. She wasn't always good to me, so that kind of naturally happened: I couldn't believe her. However, having said that doesn't mean I don't feel guilty anymore.

From these past couple of days I've understood that not every "friend" is actually a Friend. But I've also learnt is that people do make mistakes, whether they realize it or not, but it's healthier for us to think that everybody comes with the best intentions. It doesn't mean we let them fool us, but we start to think with more positivity. A person who sees the bad in everybody's eye is not that good either.


Thank you SO MUCH for reading, if you arrived to this point of the post. I know this is quite personal and therefore not that worth reading. But maybe even one of you will relate to it and I'm happy if, in some way, I'm able to help someone going through the same situations. I will speak to you in my next post, which is not going to be just me rumbling on and on, hopefully.

See you later, xx.

1. Some people come and go. Sometimes they want to go away, sometimes you want them to go. But other times nobody decides who has to leave, but you both fall apart without wanting, without realizing even. Is there something you can do to prevent that from happening? Definitely. Were you great at doing that? Not so much. 
2. You are allowed failing, nobody ever said you always have to be perfect. 
3. People who don't take their responsibilities are the worst people. It's worst when they blame you instead of themselves. I shouldn't be around those people that often.
4. People who read your texts but don't answer are the worst too. WHY DO YOU DO THAT?
5. You don't always have to help others if they aren't grateful or they are not friends of yours but just try to be nice when they need you to do their homework. NO THANKS. 
6. Don't be sorry all the time. 
7. Nights are made for sleeping, not for studying or worrying. 
8. I have anxiety and I didn't choose it, but I've got the power in my hands not to let it affect me. I should work on that.
9. It's okay to ask for help and admit your problems.
10. You can't always get what you want. Last year, I was always reminding myself to JUST SAY YES to everything. Fair enough, everything is line. However, bare in mind that you'll find people who are going to tell you no and many times there's nothing you can do.
11. Hurting people will make them go away from you.
12. Never use your phone if you are sitting on your balcony and you have slippery hands. It will fall and break into million pieces and you will never be able to use it any more(that happened to my  beloved, 4-year-old iPhone 4s two weeks ago).
13. Some people don't love you as much as you do.
14. You don't get on well with selfish people. 
15. I should surround myself with things and people that make me happy, no matter what other people think.
16. Studying whilst crying because you think you can't do it is frustrating and counterproductive. Your brain will be clouded with negative thoughts and you won't be concentrated. 
17. You have to accept that things change. People change. Their feelings change. Things are not as they were 5 years ago, neither are people. When I was 16, I really wished a specific person would have come to me and shown interest. They didn't, and even if they did, they showed up for a few, fast seconds. And even when they briefly texted you every now and then, that doesn't mean that they meant to stay. When I used to be very close friends with that person, they would always stress that it's of utmost importance to be happy and be in happy places with people that make you happy. Even if that implies calling some friendships off. Maybe when they were reminding that to themselves that long time ago, they were actually saying it to a 5-year-later me. Moral of the story, some friendships are meant to last forever, others are not. Some people don't love you enough and you can't do anything than accept it. 

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